a couple of months ago when i started to think it was time to move on and possibly look for a new boyfriend and i sort of made a goal for myself that i’d get one by thanksgiving.
buuuut….here i am, blogging without a new beau alone in love but at the same time surrounded by the people i find as the most important people in my life: my family [[though right now, specifically, it’s my cousins]]
i’m not sure where my love life is headed right now and usually i’ll have some kind of philosophical idea or whatever of what’s going on. like the idea of soul mates or the one or your 7 and 10 and if i should really be with aj. but at this point, right now, i have no idea or really any kind of expectations of what could be heading my way. i am walking into a dark room and basically searching for something special in the dark.
even though i have no idea what i’m up against, i know a constant love and togetherness will always be here with my family among people i’ve known my whole life. i may not have a s/o to hold hands with when my fam goes in a circle to say what we’re thankful for, but i have cousins crowding around me, making me laugh to tears and little nephews and a niece to hug and adore :]
so….i’ve extended an olive branch in the form of a friend request on facebook to someone who hurt me a couple of years ago and he just accepted it from me today.
i did not expect that.___.
i all but thought that it was just this memory of a person that’s been messing with me all this time and i wasn’t sure if he’d accept my olive branch in the first place. and honestly, it’s freakin me the hell out now that we have this connection thru facebook.
i’m not sure if its gonna open up old feelings and memories. make me hurt again or what.
i’ve got so many questions running thru my mind it’s dizzying.
sometimes whenever i hear a really great song and make a really good connection with it, i feel like it should belong on the soundtrack to my life.
and also to be on a reality tv show just so everyone else can hear the songs that i play and listen to and how they correspond to my life so well.
granted a lot of the songs i put into that list are ones that i like to daydream to. like i’m staring out somewhere fantastic and thinking about my life, philosophy or jsut life in general. just let my mind expand with the universe x3 and also just appreciating what’s in front of me. what i’m seeing and what i’m hearing.
idk what it is really, but whenever i go online dating i feel slightly shallow/shy/picky all at the same time.
like i’m looking for what i want in a guy right? but i feel shallow picking and checking out and choosing guys based on their profile picture and sometimes there crappy profiles.
i don’t mean to be. maybe i’m just feeling the way i do bc of how i see myself. like i want soemone cute [[a shallow thing to say but cmon]] but i’m afraid of finding someone i like and thinking that they’re out of my league. like i know there are couples out there where one of them looks a lot better than their s/o and makes people question “how’d they end up with him/her??”
and with age, ideally i want someone around my age and i’m also kinda worried that if i meet someone whos a couple of years older than me i’m worried about what theyll think of me and my bizarre and sometiems childish ways and if they’d get along with my friends/fam since they’d be spending tiem with them as well.
a bit on teh wall with someone younger than me cuz i kinda don’t want it to be like the whole mentor/gf thing i guess…idk
or maybe i’m just worried about successfully finding someone i like. the whole vulnerabilty and mystery of how much i’d like them. i’m wary of whom i open up to even tho sometimes i open up whether i like it or not :/
sometiems i wish it’d be jsut like in movies or whatever and have some guy come up to me and be like “hey, _____________something charming/funny_______blah blah blah____” and we’d liek each other and really connect or some shit like that but obviously life is not a movie.
when i find you and you me, i hope that whenever i see you you make me smile no matter how long we’ll been together.
i hope when i find you you’ll make me feel like some silly teenager without being naive. i hope you protect my heart and make me feel like it’s okay to open myself up to you without being hurt. i hope you see right thru me and read my mind and see who i am without judging me and accepting me thru all my goofs and faults.
i hope you take care of me without treating me like a child. encourage the best in me and help me over come the hurdles and fears laid before me in life.
i hope we make each other laugh everyday and make me feel like i’m the cutest girl youve ever seen even though i’m in my house clothes
i hope you can handle me and my baggage without being burdened. know when i’m crying and know how to make me smile again. make me feel safe when i’m in a situation where other wise i’d be scared shitless.
stand up for me and call me out when i’m wrong or just let me think that i’m right. respect me and my family. and get along with my friends.
be romantic and surprise me. txt me whenever you miss me/think of me. or just chill with me doing absolutely nothing and think that that that is just enough.
i also hope that i’m not asking for too much cuz i kno when i find you i’ll do the same thing for you.
sometimes when someone i feel disrespects me or someone else espically my friends or whatever, i feel like i just wanna let my inner cholla out and just yell at them.
like today, i was using one of the desktops here at school in the library and i left my bag and stuff at the station while i went to the restroom really quick and when i came back i find these two guys using my computer while my stuff is still there!!
R: uh hi, yea, i’m using that computer
g:o you are?
R *mad* uh yea! my stuff is like right there!
g: o i’m sorry it’ll only take a minute
R: *o no he didn’t…D:<*
so being the nice person that i am, i let them use it for a sec even tho they didn’t ask me and also to kind of avoid me yelling at them and acting a total bitch. [[we’re in the library and the floor i was on was a designated quiet area]]
but OMFG was i fucking maaaaaadd!!
i’m sure that if it were anywhere else i totally would’ve yelled at them
R: UH HELLO?! I WAS USING THAT FIRST AND DON’T YOU TELL ME TO “WAIT A SECOND!” *WAGS FINGER AND NECK BOB* THAT IS SIGNIFICANTLY RUDE AND TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL OF MY SPACE AND MY TIME HERE IN THE LIBRARY! DIDN’T YOU GUYS SEE THAT THE COMPUTER WAS IN USE! I WAS CHECKING MY FUCKING MAIL! AND MY STUFF IS STILL THERE RIGHT IN BETWEEN YOU IDIOTS ON THE CHAIR SO DON’T GO AND ACT LIKE YOU DON’T SEE IT!! THERE ARE A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER FUCKING COMPUTERS IN THIS FOUR STORY LIBRARY AND YOURE ACTING LIKE MINE IS THE ONLY ONE AVAILABLE?? UH NO. THERE’S A FUCKING COMPUTER LAB PLACE ONE FLOOR UP AND YOU GUYS JUST CAN’T GO USE THAT ONE?? I’M SURE IF YOU GUYS HAD CAME A LONG LATER/EARLIER WHEN I WAS THERE AND YOU HAD ASKED I WOULD’VE GLADLY SAID ‘YEA YOU CAN USE IT’ BUT NO, YOU TWO DUMB ASSES HAD TO BE ALL RUDE AND DISREPSECTFUL AND SHIT AND TAKE MY COMPUTER WHILE MY SHIT IS STILL THERE! NO FUCKING RESPECT. YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON’T BOTH OF YOU LOOK UP ON SOME OTHER COMPUTER AND LOOK UP ‘RESPECT’ ON WIKIPEDIA OR SOMETHING AND LEARN SOME!
and then when they were done one of them said sorry and i unthinkingly said “it’s okay” when obviously, it’s not ok and i shoulda said “ok you know what, next time you should check and see if the computer really is available instead of just taking it up and using up my computer time”
and then the other guy closed the window I was using. UGH!!! so right now, i’m just so fucking mad and my cholla side is rearing it’s lip lined ghetto head [[and i would not be surprised if my ears sprouted hoop earrings just now lol]] and is a little bit scary cuz i don’t really yell at people unless i have a really good reason but right now, i feel like the next person to make me mad is gonna have an earful